The recent events of wedding as well the knowledge of another person who is about to become a father makes me reflect on my own (yes, it the same old issue of....) marital status and of babies.... Furthermore, while driving back to my mum's place, and digesting the "baby" news, this old song was played on the radio....
All By Myself - Wirtten by Eric Carmen (1975)
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore
When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Living alone
I think of all the friends I’ve known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobody’s home
All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore
Hard to be sure
Some times I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore
When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore
I guess it fits into my thoughts at that time....
When I was young, I never really thought about all these stuff... I mean, I really actually told my mum that not to expect me to get married (REALLY! My mum can testify to that!!). For the past 20 over years of my life, these are really out of mind, not even when my peers are all getting attached and some, well, got hitched way before I step into the working world. There were 1 or 2 times that was nipped in the bud, as I was still studying then and rule was not to thinking or even start anything till I am out... I guess, there were no "spark" in that sense. Funny thing was that I was very, very sensitive to this and I guess I caught it early way before it was out in the open.... Ah... Then I met someone that I really like... Just that, well, there was again, no "spark". As you know relationship takes 2 hands to clap, it was left as "friends" position.
Then adaptation to the working life came and gone, and all of sudden, I had a hugh group of peers who somehow got married with the same year - the endless weddings to help as well as wedding dinners to attend. I really have to say it was then that a nagging feeling came over me. However, I brush it aside and since I do have more friends who are still single, it does not hit on me that much. Till, one day, I realised that all of my friends (my peers) are married! As time goes by, you start getting questions on your single status on CNYs.
I think the feeling really rear its head when I start seeing friends, who are younger than me, got married. It got to a point where I really loath to hear about another wedding that I have to attend. Every time I attend a wedding, it resounded back to me about me. I know it's not really so much of a wedding, but it's more of me being alone. Yes, I know that being married may not remove the feeling of alone. But, at least you, hopefully, do have a companion. I think the reason why it hits me more than my cousin was the fact that her closest friends are all still single... For me... My closest friends are all married!!! Which means, they don't have much time for us to meet up and do things that we would have done while they were single.
I guess the song resounded in my mind because since young, despite having friends, I have always been a loner. You can ask any of my classmates and they will tell you that despite having me joining them during the free periods, I never did really click with any group. I was always fitting around, and most of time, alone. Sometimes, I even remove myself from them just to have solitude. It has been like this since young, till now. Even now, trying to asimluate myself more into society seems to be a hard thing to do, especially when I have always been an introvert and find nothing in common with a lot of people. I had always thought about why I tend to prefer to be out rather than staying at home was because I spent too much time at home when I was young. Now is the time to let loose... Except that, well, now I discover that I don't have that much of energy as I would have when I was younger.
Of course as time goes by, there are more that you have met, and like, but with the same reason, they "left" before anything started. Infact, I think I have attended most of their weddings as well, except for 1 - Distance was the reason, I think. I'm in Singapore, the wedding was in Brisbane. I guess one did affected me a lot that I cried after I left (Yes! I cried. Which my mind has filed this "interesting" reaction, in some part of my memory filing system....) and it was witnessed by my mum, she knows this person as well...
Perhaps it's my low self esteem, my insecurities and my unwillingness to be open to vulnerability that causes this fear in going into a relationship, and thus being rather cautious when someone expresses their interest in me. Thus because of that cautiousness, eventually the person looks to another person's direction as I was non-comittal in recognising that interest. Frankly, I have no idea on what to do with this issue. The fear is real and looming large, and well, with my own witnessing of so many failures in relationships and marriages that it does not booster my confidence. Sometimes, it looks to me that it's better to be single. Yet, this nagging feeling will not be soothe by this reasoning. I have to admit that I am lost in what I should do with this.
Then comes the issues of babies. Now the reason why this comes in was that the person who was about to become a father soon... Well, he only got married mid last year, and yet by the next year he was to be a father. Doesn't the newly weds needs time to adapt to a new "chapter" in their life? It;s no longer one person's feelings/habits, instead it will have to be a mesh of two persons... Don't they need time to get to know and adapt to each other... And yet, they now have to start learning to adapt to having another person to take care of. The reason he gave was that both of them were getting on with age... Now, he is of my age and if they were to be in the hurry to have babies... Er, then, won't I have even more pressing time IF I was find and got married to someone??? By then, it would have been another 2 to 3 years (on the optimistic side, but then again it could be like some of them, it can happen within a year, but with my character I seriously doubt, then again I can do something seriously out of character)...
Ah... Then again... I shudder when I think about having to bring a child into this world. Furthermore, with my record dealings with babies/toddlers/kids is not good... It's not a good thought for me. If I am so detached from the adult world, how then, can I connect with these kids then? Being me, I was not in the habit of tolerating kids who are not well behaved. If I find kids running around, shouting at top of their voices, behaving rudely as well as throwing tantrums, I would have gladly give them a piece of my mind and perhaps a good slap. While kids should be allowed to be themselves, I draw the line of allowing them to do that in public. There is always a time for everything and making a spectical of themselves in public is not a good time. I would also say it's a reflect on their parents on not teaching them to behaviour well in public. Heck, I think sometimes the parents themselves could not even control their kids!
Come to think of it... I think kids know that they can't get far with me. They have this internal antenna that they can feel out whom they can wrap their fingers around and who they have to watch out for... Sometimes, I just have to raise an eyebrow and they would keep rather quiet and move away so as to not be in my sight when they do something naughty... What would happen when I do have kids? How would they turn out? I really shudder when I start on this...
But I'm getting ahead of myself... I think the question of having kids will only matter IF I do ever meet someone that is more dogmatic in dealing with me and that I can be comfortable with... Till then, this is still a highly hypothetical question....
Now... I think I would be very happy just having someone for companionship... Not even to think about marriage... I think someone once said "If you are not thinking of having kids, why marry?" In my case, I would think it rings true... Of course, er, if you were to think of other 'benefits'... Well, then again, in this day and age, some no longer confine to marriage (ok, yes I am conservative!)... Whatever... But it would be great if someone takes over in take care of floor cleaniness... and the washing if I do cook.... :p
Ok... Sleeps beckons... As well as another trip looms ahead... Pity that this time I can't get a chance to stay longer... But I guess that could be rectified with my following trip after this one...
When I was young, I never really thought about all these stuff... I mean, I really actually told my mum that not to expect me to get married (REALLY! My mum can testify to that!!). For the past 20 over years of my life, these are really out of mind, not even when my peers are all getting attached and some, well, got hitched way before I step into the working world. There were 1 or 2 times that was nipped in the bud, as I was still studying then and rule was not to thinking or even start anything till I am out... I guess, there were no "spark" in that sense. Funny thing was that I was very, very sensitive to this and I guess I caught it early way before it was out in the open.... Ah... Then I met someone that I really like... Just that, well, there was again, no "spark". As you know relationship takes 2 hands to clap, it was left as "friends" position.
Then adaptation to the working life came and gone, and all of sudden, I had a hugh group of peers who somehow got married with the same year - the endless weddings to help as well as wedding dinners to attend. I really have to say it was then that a nagging feeling came over me. However, I brush it aside and since I do have more friends who are still single, it does not hit on me that much. Till, one day, I realised that all of my friends (my peers) are married! As time goes by, you start getting questions on your single status on CNYs.
I think the feeling really rear its head when I start seeing friends, who are younger than me, got married. It got to a point where I really loath to hear about another wedding that I have to attend. Every time I attend a wedding, it resounded back to me about me. I know it's not really so much of a wedding, but it's more of me being alone. Yes, I know that being married may not remove the feeling of alone. But, at least you, hopefully, do have a companion. I think the reason why it hits me more than my cousin was the fact that her closest friends are all still single... For me... My closest friends are all married!!! Which means, they don't have much time for us to meet up and do things that we would have done while they were single.
I guess the song resounded in my mind because since young, despite having friends, I have always been a loner. You can ask any of my classmates and they will tell you that despite having me joining them during the free periods, I never did really click with any group. I was always fitting around, and most of time, alone. Sometimes, I even remove myself from them just to have solitude. It has been like this since young, till now. Even now, trying to asimluate myself more into society seems to be a hard thing to do, especially when I have always been an introvert and find nothing in common with a lot of people. I had always thought about why I tend to prefer to be out rather than staying at home was because I spent too much time at home when I was young. Now is the time to let loose... Except that, well, now I discover that I don't have that much of energy as I would have when I was younger.
Of course as time goes by, there are more that you have met, and like, but with the same reason, they "left" before anything started. Infact, I think I have attended most of their weddings as well, except for 1 - Distance was the reason, I think. I'm in Singapore, the wedding was in Brisbane. I guess one did affected me a lot that I cried after I left (Yes! I cried. Which my mind has filed this "interesting" reaction, in some part of my memory filing system....) and it was witnessed by my mum, she knows this person as well...
Perhaps it's my low self esteem, my insecurities and my unwillingness to be open to vulnerability that causes this fear in going into a relationship, and thus being rather cautious when someone expresses their interest in me. Thus because of that cautiousness, eventually the person looks to another person's direction as I was non-comittal in recognising that interest. Frankly, I have no idea on what to do with this issue. The fear is real and looming large, and well, with my own witnessing of so many failures in relationships and marriages that it does not booster my confidence. Sometimes, it looks to me that it's better to be single. Yet, this nagging feeling will not be soothe by this reasoning. I have to admit that I am lost in what I should do with this.
Then comes the issues of babies. Now the reason why this comes in was that the person who was about to become a father soon... Well, he only got married mid last year, and yet by the next year he was to be a father. Doesn't the newly weds needs time to adapt to a new "chapter" in their life? It;s no longer one person's feelings/habits, instead it will have to be a mesh of two persons... Don't they need time to get to know and adapt to each other... And yet, they now have to start learning to adapt to having another person to take care of. The reason he gave was that both of them were getting on with age... Now, he is of my age and if they were to be in the hurry to have babies... Er, then, won't I have even more pressing time IF I was find and got married to someone??? By then, it would have been another 2 to 3 years (on the optimistic side, but then again it could be like some of them, it can happen within a year, but with my character I seriously doubt, then again I can do something seriously out of character)...
Ah... Then again... I shudder when I think about having to bring a child into this world. Furthermore, with my record dealings with babies/toddlers/kids is not good... It's not a good thought for me. If I am so detached from the adult world, how then, can I connect with these kids then? Being me, I was not in the habit of tolerating kids who are not well behaved. If I find kids running around, shouting at top of their voices, behaving rudely as well as throwing tantrums, I would have gladly give them a piece of my mind and perhaps a good slap. While kids should be allowed to be themselves, I draw the line of allowing them to do that in public. There is always a time for everything and making a spectical of themselves in public is not a good time. I would also say it's a reflect on their parents on not teaching them to behaviour well in public. Heck, I think sometimes the parents themselves could not even control their kids!
Come to think of it... I think kids know that they can't get far with me. They have this internal antenna that they can feel out whom they can wrap their fingers around and who they have to watch out for... Sometimes, I just have to raise an eyebrow and they would keep rather quiet and move away so as to not be in my sight when they do something naughty... What would happen when I do have kids? How would they turn out? I really shudder when I start on this...
But I'm getting ahead of myself... I think the question of having kids will only matter IF I do ever meet someone that is more dogmatic in dealing with me and that I can be comfortable with... Till then, this is still a highly hypothetical question....
Now... I think I would be very happy just having someone for companionship... Not even to think about marriage... I think someone once said "If you are not thinking of having kids, why marry?" In my case, I would think it rings true... Of course, er, if you were to think of other 'benefits'... Well, then again, in this day and age, some no longer confine to marriage (ok, yes I am conservative!)... Whatever... But it would be great if someone takes over in take care of floor cleaniness... and the washing if I do cook.... :p
Ok... Sleeps beckons... As well as another trip looms ahead... Pity that this time I can't get a chance to stay longer... But I guess that could be rectified with my following trip after this one...
4 comments:
God will bring the right person to be your companion, but you can also expand your social network. Don't bemoan you situation but go out more and know new people. U'll never know! Join the LUNCH ACTUALLY thingy? It sounds fun!
That one ah... Sounds fun, but Thousand over dollars leh...
to join as member? sure or not? Thought its really just pay for lunch only!
Yes... Well, you join as member is precisely to meet up during lunch... They will have 1 or 2 sessions with you to interview and to get to know you, so that they know the type of people that you prefer to meet and you are perceived compatible with... They then arrange for lunch lor... Can't remember how many lunches per year, but the fees are around that (per year I think.. Can't remember that much of details, but I already checked!) Btw, if you join it means you want to meet people for lunch... Why would you join if not for that reason???
Hmmm... Maybe should get people to pool up the $$$ for this year's birthday/christmas/etc present... Hmmm...... :p
Post a Comment